Mr. Black and Mild on the Subway

Any of you who are familiar with New York subways and/or Red Eye flights will appreciate this one.

I had just gotten back to New York after a long 6-hour flight from Los Angeles and I was tired.  My neck pillow had a hole in it and the guy next to me on the plane said I couldn't sleep on his shoulder, so as a result I had not slept in over 24 hours. 

Naturally I got on the subway at the airport, used my bag as a pillow, fell asleep for almost an hour and totally missed my stop... only to be rudely awakened by a guy who kept tapping my head with his finger.

I wiped off the drool, slowly rubbed my bloodshot, mascara-residued eyes and looked up at this 20-something guy listening to an iPod and wearing a do-rag.  He pointed at something on my lap as the train was coming to a stop.  It was a Black N' Mild cigarette wrapper with something written on it.  Without saying anything he just watched as I looked and tried to decipher the scribbling.  It said - "Call Me - Jose - 212-???-????"

The funny part was that he thought the train doors were going to open so he could slip away without too much embarrassment from handing out his number to a strange girl on a subway who might as well have been homeless.  They didn't open though so we were stuck there for 2 minutes looking at each other in the most awkward way ever...

I guess I should try to sport the tired, bags under the eyes, sleep drool look more often....

Mr. I Know Kelly Ripa

This blog is turning into a dating blog AND a crazy old guy in a restaurant trying to pick you up blog.  This one HAD to go on here and is more recent than the rest - enjoy.

Imagine this - you sit at a table with a good friend and try to enjoy the sunset and a Diet Coke with lime.  All of a sudden a loud voice from behind you says "you need to marry my friend Rob - Rob, here is a pretty young lady - marry her."  If you can imagine this scenario we're in business.

I turned around to see a drunk, 60-year-old man with what I assumed was red wine spilled all over his pants.  He proceeded to ask me questions about my marital status, living situation and age.  Instead of ignoring him out of fear that he might be a mean drunk, I gave polite answers and prayed God would forgive me for lying about the fact that I lived half-way across the country and I had a big, protective boyfriend.  But that didn't seem to discourage him.

I tried to carry on my conversation with my friend over dinner but the man just couldn't stop trying to get my attention.  "I run Wall Street" he said... when that didn't work it was "P Diddy had a party a few months ago at my house in the Hamptons"... still no positive response and after saying "I'm a millionaire" he stood up, shook my hand and stumbled into the kitchen, followed by 3 hotel bodyguards who then tried to escort him off the premises.

He made threats to sue everyone at the Ritz and after a few minutes one of the bodyguards got impatient and grabbed his arm to take him away...

As he was being dragged through the room to the elevator all he could think of to yell to me as parting words was "Kelly Ripa wants to meet you tomorrow morning - I know her!"  He yelled that all the way to the elevators.

Dang it - I never gave him my number.  I guess I will never meet Kelly Ripa.

Mr. Hershey Kiss at the Provo Temple

OK this one might be a "you had to be there" dating story but it is good anyway.

While studying in the WILK one day for a Spanish mid-term, this guy came up to me with the "I just got home from my mission to Argentina so I can totally help you study" line.  Unfortunately I fell for it and we had a date the next night.  

After a dinner with little conversation and a lot of awkward moments I decided that it wasn't a match.  That was confirmed a thousand times over when he dropped me off and asked if he could give me a "lower back massage".  What is that anyway?  I didn't wait around to find out.

Two weeks later he showed up at my apartment and asked if we could be friends.  I said yes and he asked if I would go on a "friend" drive with him.  I said sure, because I needed a break from studying and we drove to the Provo temple.  It was snowing outside and he parked and asked if we could go on a walk.  I reluctantly said yes and we started shuffling on the ice on our way up and around the temple.  Maybe he planned it that way so we could link arms and keep each other stable on the "friend" walk.

When we were almost back to the car he stopped and turned me so that I was staring straight into his eyes.  Then he said as he slowly knelt to the ground and grabbed my hand, "I have been wanting to ask you this ever since I first laid eyes on you in the WILK."  Naturally I burst out into loud laughter trying to ease the awkwardness - but he wasn't laughing.  Then he pulled out a ring box which just made me mad.  I didn't want to open it but 5 minutes later he was still on one knee and I was cold.  So I opened it only to find a hersey kiss which I quickly ate because I was also hungry.

I looked at Mr. Hersey Kiss with this look that said "you are so weird", and he stood up, looked me in the eyes and said (word for word) "I gave you a hersey kiss, but I REALLY wanted to give you this kind of kiss..."  Before I could move an inch, he had put his hands in a grip lock around the back of my head and pulled me in for a big fat kiss.  

I wonder what he thought when I screamed right before he kissed me...