How To Find Mr. Wrong

Mr. Car Crash Flirt

2011-01-30T14:52:00.000-08:00

Here I was in a shuttle full of people on the way to LAX for a mid-day flight to NYC. I always park my car at the same parking garage and I happened to be there just last week where the attendant was giving me "the eye". The flirty eye. So why should I be surprised the next week when I was back and he kept looking back at me in the rear view mirror on the way to the airport asking me all about my upcoming flight and trip to NYC that he had such an intense interest in? Our conversation got cut short when the car in front of us braked quickly and he was looking at me instead of the road so he slammed on his brakes too late and swerved into the lane to the right only to crash into the car that was already there. All of the other passengers in the van groaned as the flirty driver got out and exchanged insurance information with the victimized driver. 15 minutes later and back on track for Terminal 4 I thought I was off the hook from Mr. Car Crash Flirt's advances, only to have him ask me for my number in front of the other weary passengers in case the insurance company needed to talk to a witness. Awesome. I wonder if he will call...

Mr. I lean like a Cholo, out of my car, to pick up on you. In traffic.

2010-06-28T23:29:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to the Cholo man who tried so valiantly to get my attention while I was driving up the 5 Fwy last week. Despite your best efforts at leaning out the car window until you practically fell on the road and got run over by oncoming traffic, I held my composure and kept trucking along.

I hope that approach works for you next time. What a great story you and your future "I fell for him the moment he said 'pull over' and wouldn't leave alone in rush hour traffic" will have for your children.

I wish you the best.

Mr. Wild Phone

2010-02-14T09:12:00.000-08:00

I had a dinner date this week and I was really excited. It was with a good friend I have known for a long time and we were going to this swanky LA place. My perfect night. While waiting for him in the lobby I was finishing up a conference call on my Blackberry which also has a totally-me Zebra cover. I love that phone. After getting off the conference call I walked closer to the counter to see if I could find my date for the night. Instead I ran smack dab into a guido-looking guy. He blocked my path and then blurted out "I like your phone". "Um, thanks" was all I had to say while still scanning the restaurant for my date. Then the worst 7-word phrase exited his guido mouth. "Are you as wild as your phone?" OK first of all, since when is a phone considered wild? I mean mine is all business... I said "No, I'm really conservative." I think he felt dumb that I didn't fall for his trap. So he asked again!!! "You aren't wild like your phone? Because you look wild. I hear that girls that like animal prints are really wild." I repeated my denial of his attempt at coming onto me. "Well I am an exception I guess - no wildness here. I am really boring." Then I saw my date. He was staring at me and Mr. Wild Phone and laughing his head off. Then the dude keeps asking me questions - "Are you coming from work? Where do you work? Where do you live?" It was an interrogation. I said "I'm actually meeting someone here." That's when my date decided to come to the rescue. Guido got really embarrassed and apologized for talking to me when I was there with someone else. I said, "no problem. Nice to meet you." We sat down and to my horror when I looked up crazy, guido, phone man was sitting right behind my date giving me weird looks ALL night.
I felt torn between two men and a wild, wild phone by my side.

Mr. Denny's Mint

2010-02-10T18:27:00.000-08:00

Court is the best place to meet a guy. Or not. It could have been for me last week. The funny thing is that I had gotten a major chemical peel the night before and I looked like I got trapped in a tanning bed for 5 hours. But that still doesn't stop one guy. I made my way to Courtroom B and sat down with 50 other traffic violators, waiting to explain to the judge why the windows of my car were too "gangsta" tinted. Then I got tapped on my right shoulder by a 55-ish year old man holding a red and white mint that looked like it came from Denny's. It also looked like he had dragged it behind his car on the way there. He didn't ask me if I wanted it. He just showed it to me and dropped it on my lap. So is it crazy that I ate it to be nice? Yes. But I did anyway.
Meanwhile the man-look-a-like Bailiff was yelling at anyone that she could hear talking. "Shut up or I will shut you up" was the most common phrase I heard that day. So naturally I was scared and feeling awkward sitting next to Mr. Denny's-mint. Then it got worse. He leaned over and whispered, "can I ask you a personal question?" I immediately thought "no you idiot - that Bailiff is a large woman-man holding a gun - you can't ask me anything!". But of course I said "yeah, sure". Then he dropped it - "Do you have a boyfriend?" I looked at him like I was sorry I had to say it and nodded my head that yes in fact I do, sorry. So basically I lied in court. In my head. Kind of. And I am happy to say I didn't die or get sick from the trashed Denny's mint. So life is good.

Mr. Dungeons and Dragons or Bust

2009-12-17T11:12:00.000-08:00

I love the orphans in Mexico. So much so that I decided I would share my love for the orphans with a boy I had been dating for about 2 months. The kids LOVED him and I thought about what a great guy I had snagged. Good with kids, likes to travel, up for adventure... the list went on and on. So naturally I was excited once we got home and had some alone time together. The plan was a nice dinner in Laguna Beach.

Visiting orphans in Mexico usually warrants a long shower, so my amazing new boyfriend waited downstairs while I got ready and tried to look extra cute for him that night. While I was picking out the perfect outfit I got a text message from him. I was so excited! I immediately thought - oh I bet he is so excited and is telling me to hurry up so we can be together! Wishful thinking... the text read,"I am so not into this girl. How do I get out of here?"

After collecting my confused thoughts I responded, "well you could have just told me." He rushed upstairs to apologize profusely trying to explain that the text wasn't meant for me. I was graceful but asked him to leave.

Thinking that this was just another dating disaster for the books I settled down into a cozy night alone with a good book. Then I got another text from the guy who didn't know how to work a cell phone. It read "I finally got away! Meet you at the Dungeons and Dragons Convention in 30 minutes."

Dissed for a fantasy world video game. Cool...

Mr. Greek Canadian and a Bag of Chips

2009-12-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

So my friend Roselyn sent this to me and it is HILARIOUS! This one beats my stories hands down and by the way - it is not my story. But here it is with a summary of what really happened:

The story is this: a girl was out with friends having drinks on King St (in Toronto). This guy approaches her and won't leave her alone -saying how cute she is. She finally gives in and hands the guy her business card to get rid of him.
The attached is an MP3 file of not one, but TWO voicemails this guy left. This goes down in the history books - especially the second voice mail.
After hearing them you can clearly see why she didn't call him back - instead she called in to the Z103.5 morning show & had them play this on the air.

Mr. I Don't Bite High School All Star

2009-11-16T23:25:00.000-08:00

Some of you are going to wonder why I didn't post this a long long time ago. This is such good stuff. Honestly, with the resurrection of this blog, a lot of these boy encounters that I had hidden somewhere in the corners of my mind have suddenly reappeared in all their glory. Enjoy.

One day I decided to plant myself at the Law Library to study for a midterm in Food, Science and Nutrition. That's where all the cute, single, college boys hang out that want to be lawyers right? I managed to meet the only guy in the place that didn't even go to BYU. I should have known when a head popped up waaaaay too close to mine and a guy asked for my name and number. Since I was kind of there to meet someone and not really study (come on guys, I was 20 years old!) I gave it to him.

He picked me up the next night and took me to Leatherby's Ice Cream parlor where he sat right next to me in the booth instead of across from me (I hate that) and told me story after story about girls who had proposed to him. When that didn't impress me he pulled out the big guns. "My roommates really want to meet you - let's go back to my place." I actually protested this time but he persisted and I ended up in his apartment which was, by the way, empty.

When I asked where his roommates that wanted to meet me so badly were he told me they would probably be home soon and said that he wanted to show me his new TV in his bedroom. So I did what any good Provo girl would do - I crossed the invisible bedroom line and stood in the doorway unwilling to go any further. He proceeded to dive onto his bed and when I wouldn't budge kept patting the spot next to him and saying "Don't Worry - I Won't Bite". I think that phrase should be erased out of the English vocabulary.

I insisted that I stay standing in the doorway and he said "Well it's up to you but you won't enjoy the video I am going to show you as much..." I wanted to run for the hills but I had no way home. He put in the VHS tape and started playing a video that just so happened to be a local news station story of him on his High School golf team winning an award 10 years earlier. Cool.

So I pretended to get reaaalllly tired and made him take me home. I guess that put him in a particularly playful and energetic mood because he kept trying to one-arm tickle me all the way to the car. I was so annoyed I kept moving from one side to the other to avoid his feeble attempt at flirting.

When he parked I started running to my door without waiting for him. He started shouting at me to wait but I kept going. I fumbled for my keys and he had almost caught up to me and was holding something. It was too late for me to find out what it was - I opened my front door to a room full of my 4 roommates and their boyfriends right as he held up his High School Letterman's jacket and said "Wait Erin - I want you to wear my jacket!"

I shut the door in his face.

Mr. Paul Wall JR

2009-11-11T18:55:00.000-08:00

I am a pool shark. Really - just ask my friend Buck (that's his pool junkie name). He took me to play pool in West Jordan (sup) one Saturday night and we played from 10pm to 4:30am the next day. Hard core. So naturally something "How to Find Mr. Wrong" had to happen right? Right! So here it is...

After 5 rounds of pool (I was 2-3) these two couples walked in and got the table right next to me and Buck. I kept thinking the whole time - that guy totally looks like Paul Wall - I know who Paul Wall is from some late night rap documentary I accidently saw a few years ago and I also love grills. He was definitely a wannabe PW but he still had this uncanny resemblance.

So while trying to focus on our game we had to deal with PDA central right next to us. Then Buck went to the back to get a coke and all he*& broke loose. PW Wannabe broke away from his girlfriend and came over to ask me if a was a regular (do I really look like a pool hall regular? Help...). I said no and he said he just moved there and would really like to show me around. So I told him thanks but I was there with Buck while I nervously looked at his annoyed girlfriend.

I thought that was the end after Buck came back to the table to finish our round until PW Jr. and his girlfriend got packed up and ready to leave. He came over and slipped me a business card for some plumbing service on the front with his name scribbled on the back and his phone number. Right in front of my pool partner who he might as well thought was my boyfriend he put it in my hand, lingered waaaaaay too long and said "text me sometime".

I still have that card. Memories you know?

Mr. I Turn Into a Stunt Man When You Break Up With Me

2009-11-10T18:16:00.000-08:00

I love 24 - I especially love it when Jack jumps out of moving vehicles. That is definitely my favorite signature move. I never expected to see it, however, in real life. I have since learned to always expect the unexpected.

We have all been there - at first the relationship is great and things look promising. Then after a few months you are thinking, "why am I spending all my time with this person when I don't feel anything?" But you drag your feet because you don't want to hurt them. Maybe if I had done it earlier he wouldn't have hurt himself in a 24-worthy stunt move.

After attending a bonfire with all our good friends, I drove my boyfriend home. While driving I had that urge - just do it. Just break up now and stop putting it off. I hesitated and then blurted it out - "I think you are a really great guy and I hope we can be friends but I just don't feel like this is right and I think we should stop seeing each other." All that in one quick breath. Then I tried to brace for the worst by looking away so I wouldn't see how much damage I had done. That didn't end up being a problem when all I heard was my car door open... I quickly looked over only to see my recent ex doing a body roll out of my moving vehicle! He didn't say anything - just jumped out of the car. I tried to convince him to get back in the car as he hobbled alongside the road to no avail.

Needless to say 24 has never been the same...

Mr. Yeah That Was My Hand On Your Knee

2009-11-09T09:03:00.001-08:00

I know it's been awhile, but after meeting Mr. "Yeah That Was My Hand on Your Knee" I had to blog blog blog. So here's the jist:

I was flying from Orange County to Denver for business. I was REALLY tired. The kind of tired that you are when you literally fall asleep on anything because you can't help it. Even in the middle seat of a crowded airplane. That middle seat sounded SO good as I boarded the plane and prepared for airplane slumber. That is until I met my worst nightmare - Mr. "Yeah That Was My Hand on Your Knee".

I try to be nice to everyone I meet so I said hello to the guy in the window seat (jealous). He seemed about my age and was nice looking with the new Dan Brown novel on his lap. Then it got weird. He said hello back and when I was situated in my seat started telling me this story about how his brother was on the plane about 5 rows behind us and they were in a huge fight because they had just finished a family intervention with him. After they caught him high on drugs and hanging out with a prostitute in a Los Angeles Denny's they decided it was too much. Now he was dreading his exit in Denver because his brother told him they were going to fight. Not having a lot of experience in this area and no advice to give I started yawning - a sign that I really wanted to go to sleep. Which I did while he was still talking about drugs and prostitutes.

Next thing I know there was this heavy weight on my left knee. I peeked my eyes opened and the guy had his hand fully on my knee like we were an old, comfortable, "we travel all the time together" couple. I thought maybe he fell asleep and his hand accidently fell to my knee but that was wishful thinking. The dude was totally awake.

I awkwardly pretended I was starting to wake up and moved around like I didn't know where I was. Thankfully he moved his hand and we got off the plane.

Crisis averted, right? I thought so too as I slipped through the Denver airport only to get a text message about 15 minutes after I got into my rental car from a number I knew I did not program into my phone. The text simply read "Yeah that was my hand on your knee. Let's hang out while you are in town."

First of all, yeah I knew that. Secondly, next time I am sitting on my phone when I fall asleep on an airplane.

Mr. Truman Show

2009-06-25T19:24:00.001-07:00

It was a sunny and really trafficky (I promise that is a word in LA) day in West Hollywood and I was getting hungry. Although I only had an hour until a networking event I had to attend, I passed the only restaurant that I will eat at even when I am completely full - Real Food Daily. It is vegan vegetarian and basically amazing. I couldn't wait to take a bite into some hearty salisbury seitan... until Mr. Truman Show came and sat down at my table for 1.
"Can I sit here? I don't have anyone to eat dinner with" a young man said as he sat down while I tried to say no while chewing a mouth full of vegetarian goodness. "ummmm... sure, I guess." If I had known what was coming I would have booked it out of there STAT.
Mr. Truman Show nervously looked around and said "you look like a nice girl. I am glad to eat dinner with you and meet a nice girl. Things haven't been so nice for me lately." And then I go and open my big mouth to try and be the nurturing female that I am cursed to be at times. "Well why is that sir?" "Shhhhhh!!!" he says while leaning closer to whisper over my food... "they are ALL around us!" "Who is they?" I asked not believing that I was actually engaging in this conversation. "The waiters, the people here eating - they are all part of the show..." Then before I could get up and get out of this social nightmare he continued. "You wouldn't believe the other day my parents told me they were in on it too. Can you believe it? I am 35 years old and this whole time I didn't know my parents were ACTORS!"
I mumbled something that was supposed to be sympathetic while motioning to the waitress to please bring me my check NOW so I could get the heck out of there. When she came over to take my credit card he actually had the nerve to stop her and say "wait can you bring me some tofu strawberry cheesecake? That stuff looks really good..."
I took back my credit card, threw her a $20 (I think my bill came to $12 but whatever) and yelled "nice to meet you" as I ran out the door, called my boyfriend half-hysterical and locked myself in the car as I drove out of crazy-ville.
So now I am left thinking he either... (A) Just finished watching The Truman Show and was also missing a few brain cells (B) Was acting out on a crazy dare from friends in the restaurant (that should have been worth some big $$$) or (C) Thought that was a great pickup line?
True story - every bit...

Mr. Black and Mild on the Subway

2008-05-05T12:21:00.000-07:00

Any of you who are familiar with New York subways and/or Red Eye flights will appreciate this one.

I had just gotten back to New York after a long 6-hour flight from Los Angeles and I was tired. My neck pillow had a hole in it and the guy next to me on the plane said I couldn't sleep on his shoulder, so as a result I had not slept in over 24 hours.

Naturally I got on the subway at the airport, used my bag as a pillow, fell asleep for almost an hour and totally missed my stop... only to be rudely awakened by a guy who kept tapping my head with his finger.

I wiped off the drool, slowly rubbed my bloodshot, mascara-residued eyes and looked up at this 20-something guy listening to an iPod and wearing a do-rag. He pointed at something on my lap as the train was coming to a stop. It was a Black N' Mild cigarette wrapper with something written on it. Without saying anything he just watched as I looked and tried to decipher the scribbling. It said - "Call Me - Jose - 212-???-????"

The funny part was that he thought the train doors were going to open so he could slip away without too much embarrassment from handing out his number to a strange girl on a subway who might as well have been homeless. They didn't open though so we were stuck there for 2 minutes looking at each other in the most awkward way ever...

I guess I should try to sport the tired, bags under the eyes, sleep drool look more often....

Mr. I Know Kelly Ripa

2008-05-04T18:52:00.000-07:00

This blog is turning into a dating blog AND a crazy old guy in a restaurant trying to pick you up blog. This one HAD to go on here and is more recent than the rest - enjoy.

Imagine this - you sit at a table with a good friend and try to enjoy the sunset and a Diet Coke with lime. All of a sudden a loud voice from behind you says "you need to marry my friend Rob - Rob, here is a pretty young lady - marry her." If you can imagine this scenario we're in business.

I turned around to see a drunk, 60-year-old man with what I assumed was red wine spilled all over his pants. He proceeded to ask me questions about my marital status, living situation and age. Instead of ignoring him out of fear that he might be a mean drunk, I gave polite answers and prayed God would forgive me for lying about the fact that I lived half-way across the country and I had a big, protective boyfriend. But that didn't seem to discourage him.

I tried to carry on my conversation with my friend over dinner but the man just couldn't stop trying to get my attention. "I run Wall Street" he said... when that didn't work it was "P Diddy had a party a few months ago at my house in the Hamptons"... still no positive response and after saying "I'm a millionaire" he stood up, shook my hand and stumbled into the kitchen, followed by 3 hotel bodyguards who then tried to escort him off the premises.

He made threats to sue everyone at the Ritz and after a few minutes one of the bodyguards got impatient and grabbed his arm to take him away...

As he was being dragged through the room to the elevator all he could think of to yell to me as parting words was "Kelly Ripa wants to meet you tomorrow morning - I know her!" He yelled that all the way to the elevators.

Dang it - I never gave him my number. I guess I will never meet Kelly Ripa.

Mr. Hershey Kiss at the Provo Temple

2008-05-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

OK this one might be a "you had to be there" dating story but it is good anyway.

While studying in the WILK one day for a Spanish mid-term, this guy came up to me with the "I just got home from my mission to Argentina so I can totally help you study" line. Unfortunately I fell for it and we had a date the next night.

After a dinner with little conversation and a lot of awkward moments I decided that it wasn't a match. That was confirmed a thousand times over when he dropped me off and asked if he could give me a "lower back massage". What is that anyway? I didn't wait around to find out.

Two weeks later he showed up at my apartment and asked if we could be friends. I said yes and he asked if I would go on a "friend" drive with him. I said sure, because I needed a break from studying and we drove to the Provo temple. It was snowing outside and he parked and asked if we could go on a walk. I reluctantly said yes and we started shuffling on the ice on our way up and around the temple. Maybe he planned it that way so we could link arms and keep each other stable on the "friend" walk.

When we were almost back to the car he stopped and turned me so that I was staring straight into his eyes. Then he said as he slowly knelt to the ground and grabbed my hand, "I have been wanting to ask you this ever since I first laid eyes on you in the WILK." Naturally I burst out into loud laughter trying to ease the awkwardness - but he wasn't laughing. Then he pulled out a ring box which just made me mad. I didn't want to open it but 5 minutes later he was still on one knee and I was cold. So I opened it only to find a hersey kiss which I quickly ate because I was also hungry.

I looked at Mr. Hersey Kiss with this look that said "you are so weird", and he stood up, looked me in the eyes and said (word for word) "I gave you a hersey kiss, but I REALLY wanted to give you this kind of kiss..." Before I could move an inch, he had put his hands in a grip lock around the back of my head and pulled me in for a big fat kiss.

I wonder what he thought when I screamed right before he kissed me...

Mr. Fall Asleep on My Lap Why Don't You?

2008-04-20T17:08:00.000-07:00

Once I got set up on a date with this attorney. Naturally I was excited to go out with someone that I could have intelligent conversation with and hopefully hear about some really cool cases. We talked on the phone and everything seemed promising. I was having a dinner party that night and invited him over for the festivities. He asked what he could bring and I asked him to bring a pie. He showed up with cornbread. Which he fed to me like a baby all night. I thought my stomach was going to burst and I was so annoyed at the baby voices and feeding, but in order to save my new guest from embarrassment, I held my tongue.

In true "Finding Mr. Wrong Fashion" I went on another date which I thought might be painful but I went anyway. We went to dinner and a movie. I dressed up and he picked me up wearing short workout shorts. So that was weird. Then we went to the movies. I can't remember what we watched but I do remember that it seemed like 3 or 4 hours long. That was probably because in the first 30 minutes he lifted up the arm chair between us, moved my hands that were in my lap, laid down, and fell asleep! I didn't know where to put my hands as I didn't want to rest them on his shoulder so I put them uncomfortably behind my head for the rest of the movie.

The best part was when he started snoring loudly for all to hear - oh and that was snoring into my lap...

Mr. "I tried to make-out with you... but you were tired"

2008-04-14T22:51:00.000-07:00

This one always gets a crazy reaction. Here goes:

So I met this guy and we dated for about 2 months at which point we decided not to date anyone else. What was the point? We liked each other sooooooo much. The crazy part is that I found out he liked my friends a whole lot too.

We had a date planned for a Saturday afternoon and I asked if we could hang out with my best friend as well because she was having a particularly bad day. He readily agreed because I thought he was such a nice guy. We went out on his boat, swam in the ocean and had a great time. Here is where it gets good.

After cleaning up from an adventurous day we went back to my friend's house to watch a movie. I fell asleep as is the usual custom when I start movies after 10pm on any given night. Right before I did he tried to make a move on me and I whispered oh so delicately, "honey, my best friend is right next to you - making out right now would be a little awkward don't you think?". He grunted something and I turned over on the couch and fell asleep.

4 hours later I woke up to a blue TV screen and my boyfriend and best friend making out right next to me. So as not to disturb the love birds I got up and shut the door behind me. When I talked to him about what possessed him to try out polygamy without my consent, his only response was "I tried to make-out with you but you were tired"

Wow...

Mr. Sorry I can't come pick you up - I'm in Jail

2008-04-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

This one should have been recorded and gone down in history a long time ago... I meet lots of guys at Church - which makes this even more bizarre - but that's where you are supposed to meet all the nice boys, right?

We will call this bachelor "Jail Bird" for obvious reasons later on. On our first day he took me to a cafe on Earth Day. The food was amazing, the scenery was incredible, and I was definitely excited to get to know the boy across the table. Then the dream story came up. Here goes...

"I want to be completely honest with you so I have to tell you that I had a dream with my future daughter and she looked EXACTLY like you. So I think we are going to get married."

What do you say to that?

Always willing to give second chances, I accepted another date. He offered to pick me up from LAX and take me out to dinner. So I flew in, got my bags, went to curb, and called him up with no response - straight to voicemail. 30 minutes later I decided I should check my voicemail thinking that maybe he had left a message about why he hadn't shown up. Sure enough, there it was....

"Erin, this is _____. I am so sorry I can't pick you up from the airport, I am in jail and this is my only phone call."

Practical joke? I found out later at least he was honest. In jail for awhile and no dinner date. That one goes down for the books....