Mr. Car Crash Flirt

Here I was in a shuttle full of people on the way to LAX for a mid-day flight to NYC. I always park my car at the same parking garage and I happened to be there just last week where the attendant was giving me "the eye". The flirty eye. So why should I be surprised the next week when I was back and he kept looking back at me in the rear view mirror on the way to the airport asking me all about my upcoming flight and trip to NYC that he had such an intense interest in? Our conversation got cut short when the car in front of us braked quickly and he was looking at me instead of the road so he slammed on his brakes too late and swerved into the lane to the right only to crash into the car that was already there. All of the other passengers in the van groaned as the flirty driver got out and exchanged insurance information with the victimized driver. 15 minutes later and back on track for Terminal 4 I thought I was off the hook from Mr. Car Crash Flirt's advances, only to have him ask me for my number in front of the other weary passengers in case the insurance company needed to talk to a witness. Awesome. I wonder if he will call...

Mr. I lean like a Cholo, out of my car, to pick up on you. In traffic.

This post is dedicated to the Cholo man who tried so valiantly to get my attention while I was driving up the 5 Fwy last week. Despite your best efforts at leaning out the car window until you practically fell on the road and got run over by oncoming traffic, I held my composure and kept trucking along.

I hope that approach works for you next time. What a great story you and your future "I fell for him the moment he said 'pull over' and wouldn't leave alone in rush hour traffic" will have for your children.

I wish you the best.

Mr. Wild Phone

I had a dinner date this week and I was really excited. It was with a good friend I have known for a long time and we were going to this swanky LA place. My perfect night. While waiting for him in the lobby I was finishing up a conference call on my Blackberry which also has a totally-me Zebra cover. I love that phone. After getting off the conference call I walked closer to the counter to see if I could find my date for the night. Instead I ran smack dab into a guido-looking guy. He blocked my path and then blurted out "I like your phone". "Um, thanks" was all I had to say while still scanning the restaurant for my date. Then the worst 7-word phrase exited his guido mouth. "Are you as wild as your phone?" OK first of all, since when is a phone considered wild? I mean mine is all business... I said "No, I'm really conservative." I think he felt dumb that I didn't fall for his trap. So he asked again!!! "You aren't wild like your phone? Because you look wild. I hear that girls that like animal prints are really wild." I repeated my denial of his attempt at coming onto me. "Well I am an exception I guess - no wildness here. I am really boring." Then I saw my date. He was staring at me and Mr. Wild Phone and laughing his head off. Then the dude keeps asking me questions - "Are you coming from work? Where do you work? Where do you live?" It was an interrogation. I said "I'm actually meeting someone here." That's when my date decided to come to the rescue. Guido got really embarrassed and apologized for talking to me when I was there with someone else. I said, "no problem. Nice to meet you." We sat down and to my horror when I looked up crazy, guido, phone man was sitting right behind my date giving me weird looks ALL night.
I felt torn between two men and a wild, wild phone by my side.

Mr. Denny's Mint

Court is the best place to meet a guy. Or not. It could have been for me last week. The funny thing is that I had gotten a major chemical peel the night before and I looked like I got trapped in a tanning bed for 5 hours. But that still doesn't stop one guy. I made my way to Courtroom B and sat down with 50 other traffic violators, waiting to explain to the judge why the windows of my car were too "gangsta" tinted. Then I got tapped on my right shoulder by a 55-ish year old man holding a red and white mint that looked like it came from Denny's. It also looked like he had dragged it behind his car on the way there. He didn't ask me if I wanted it. He just showed it to me and dropped it on my lap. So is it crazy that I ate it to be nice? Yes. But I did anyway.
Meanwhile the man-look-a-like Bailiff was yelling at anyone that she could hear talking. "Shut up or I will shut you up" was the most common phrase I heard that day. So naturally I was scared and feeling awkward sitting next to Mr. Denny's-mint. Then it got worse. He leaned over and whispered, "can I ask you a personal question?" I immediately thought "no you idiot - that Bailiff is a large woman-man holding a gun - you can't ask me anything!". But of course I said "yeah, sure". Then he dropped it - "Do you have a boyfriend?" I looked at him like I was sorry I had to say it and nodded my head that yes in fact I do, sorry. So basically I lied in court. In my head. Kind of. And I am happy to say I didn't die or get sick from the trashed Denny's mint. So life is good.

Mr. Dungeons and Dragons or Bust

I love the orphans in Mexico. So much so that I decided I would share my love for the orphans with a boy I had been dating for about 2 months. The kids LOVED him and I thought about what a great guy I had snagged. Good with kids, likes to travel, up for adventure... the list went on and on. So naturally I was excited once we got home and had some alone time together. The plan was a nice dinner in Laguna Beach.

Visiting orphans in Mexico usually warrants a long shower, so my amazing new boyfriend waited downstairs while I got ready and tried to look extra cute for him that night. While I was picking out the perfect outfit I got a text message from him. I was so excited! I immediately thought - oh I bet he is so excited and is telling me to hurry up so we can be together! Wishful thinking... the text read,"I am so not into this girl. How do I get out of here?"

After collecting my confused thoughts I responded, "well you could have just told me." He rushed upstairs to apologize profusely trying to explain that the text wasn't meant for me. I was graceful but asked him to leave.

Thinking that this was just another dating disaster for the books I settled down into a cozy night alone with a good book. Then I got another text from the guy who didn't know how to work a cell phone. It read "I finally got away! Meet you at the Dungeons and Dragons Convention in 30 minutes."

Dissed for a fantasy world video game. Cool...

Mr. Greek Canadian and a Bag of Chips

So my friend Roselyn sent this to me and it is HILARIOUS! This one beats my stories hands down and by the way - it is not my story. But here it is with a summary of what really happened:



The story is this: a girl was out with friends having drinks on King St (in Toronto). This guy approaches her and won't leave her alone -saying how cute she is. She finally gives in and hands the guy her business card to get rid of him.
The attached is an MP3 file of not one, but TWO voicemails this guy left. This goes down in the history books - especially the second voice mail.
After hearing them you can clearly see why she didn't call him back - instead she called in to the Z103.5 morning show & had them play this on the air.

Mr. I Don't Bite High School All Star

Some of you are going to wonder why I didn't post this a long long time ago. This is such good stuff. Honestly, with the resurrection of this blog, a lot of these boy encounters that I had hidden somewhere in the corners of my mind have suddenly reappeared in all their glory. Enjoy.

One day I decided to plant myself at the Law Library to study for a midterm in Food, Science and Nutrition. That's where all the cute, single, college boys hang out that want to be lawyers right? I managed to meet the only guy in the place that didn't even go to BYU. I should have known when a head popped up waaaaay too close to mine and a guy asked for my name and number. Since I was kind of there to meet someone and not really study (come on guys, I was 20 years old!) I gave it to him.

He picked me up the next night and took me to Leatherby's Ice Cream parlor where he sat right next to me in the booth instead of across from me (I hate that) and told me story after story about girls who had proposed to him. When that didn't impress me he pulled out the big guns. "My roommates really want to meet you - let's go back to my place." I actually protested this time but he persisted and I ended up in his apartment which was, by the way, empty.

When I asked where his roommates that wanted to meet me so badly were he told me they would probably be home soon and said that he wanted to show me his new TV in his bedroom. So I did what any good Provo girl would do - I crossed the invisible bedroom line and stood in the doorway unwilling to go any further. He proceeded to dive onto his bed and when I wouldn't budge kept patting the spot next to him and saying "Don't Worry - I Won't Bite". I think that phrase should be erased out of the English vocabulary.

I insisted that I stay standing in the doorway and he said "Well it's up to you but you won't enjoy the video I am going to show you as much..." I wanted to run for the hills but I had no way home. He put in the VHS tape and started playing a video that just so happened to be a local news station story of him on his High School golf team winning an award 10 years earlier. Cool.

So I pretended to get reaaalllly tired and made him take me home. I guess that put him in a particularly playful and energetic mood because he kept trying to one-arm tickle me all the way to the car. I was so annoyed I kept moving from one side to the other to avoid his feeble attempt at flirting.

When he parked I started running to my door without waiting for him. He started shouting at me to wait but I kept going. I fumbled for my keys and he had almost caught up to me and was holding something. It was too late for me to find out what it was - I opened my front door to a room full of my 4 roommates and their boyfriends right as he held up his High School Letterman's jacket and said "Wait Erin - I want you to wear my jacket!"

I shut the door in his face.