Mr. Paul Wall JR

I am a pool shark. Really - just ask my friend Buck (that's his pool junkie name). He took me to play pool in West Jordan (sup) one Saturday night and we played from 10pm to 4:30am the next day. Hard core. So naturally something "How to Find Mr. Wrong" had to happen right? Right! So here it is...

After 5 rounds of pool (I was 2-3) these two couples walked in and got the table right next to me and Buck. I kept thinking the whole time - that guy totally looks like Paul Wall - I know who Paul Wall is from some late night rap documentary I accidently saw a few years ago and I also love grills. He was definitely a wannabe PW but he still had this uncanny resemblance.

So while trying to focus on our game we had to deal with PDA central right next to us. Then Buck went to the back to get a coke and all he*& broke loose. PW Wannabe broke away from his girlfriend and came over to ask me if a was a regular (do I really look like a pool hall regular? Help...). I said no and he said he just moved there and would really like to show me around. So I told him thanks but I was there with Buck while I nervously looked at his annoyed girlfriend.

I thought that was the end after Buck came back to the table to finish our round until PW Jr. and his girlfriend got packed up and ready to leave. He came over and slipped me a business card for some plumbing service on the front with his name scribbled on the back and his phone number. Right in front of my pool partner who he might as well thought was my boyfriend he put it in my hand, lingered waaaaaay too long and said "text me sometime".

I still have that card. Memories you know?

Mr. I Turn Into a Stunt Man When You Break Up With Me

I love 24 - I especially love it when Jack jumps out of moving vehicles. That is definitely my favorite signature move. I never expected to see it, however, in real life. I have since learned to always expect the unexpected.


We have all been there - at first the relationship is great and things look promising. Then after a few months you are thinking, "why am I spending all my time with this person when I don't feel anything?" But you drag your feet because you don't want to hurt them. Maybe if I had done it earlier he wouldn't have hurt himself in a 24-worthy stunt move.


After attending a bonfire with all our good friends, I drove my boyfriend home. While driving I had that urge - just do it. Just break up now and stop putting it off. I hesitated and then blurted it out - "I think you are a really great guy and I hope we can be friends but I just don't feel like this is right and I think we should stop seeing each other." All that in one quick breath. Then I tried to brace for the worst by looking away so I wouldn't see how much damage I had done. That didn't end up being a problem when all I heard was my car door open... I quickly looked over only to see my recent ex doing a body roll out of my moving vehicle! He didn't say anything - just jumped out of the car. I tried to convince him to get back in the car as he hobbled alongside the road to no avail.

Needless to say 24 has never been the same...

Mr. Yeah That Was My Hand On Your Knee

I know it's been awhile, but after meeting Mr. "Yeah That Was My Hand on Your Knee" I had to blog blog blog. So here's the jist:

I was flying from Orange County to Denver for business. I was REALLY tired. The kind of tired that you are when you literally fall asleep on anything because you can't help it. Even in the middle seat of a crowded airplane. That middle seat sounded SO good as I boarded the plane and prepared for airplane slumber. That is until I met my worst nightmare - Mr. "Yeah That Was My Hand on Your Knee".

I try to be nice to everyone I meet so I said hello to the guy in the window seat (jealous). He seemed about my age and was nice looking with the new Dan Brown novel on his lap. Then it got weird. He said hello back and when I was situated in my seat started telling me this story about how his brother was on the plane about 5 rows behind us and they were in a huge fight because they had just finished a family intervention with him. After they caught him high on drugs and hanging out with a prostitute in a Los Angeles Denny's they decided it was too much. Now he was dreading his exit in Denver because his brother told him they were going to fight. Not having a lot of experience in this area and no advice to give I started yawning - a sign that I really wanted to go to sleep. Which I did while he was still talking about drugs and prostitutes.

Next thing I know there was this heavy weight on my left knee. I peeked my eyes opened and the guy had his hand fully on my knee like we were an old, comfortable, "we travel all the time together" couple. I thought maybe he fell asleep and his hand accidently fell to my knee but that was wishful thinking. The dude was totally awake.

I awkwardly pretended I was starting to wake up and moved around like I didn't know where I was. Thankfully he moved his hand and we got off the plane.

Crisis averted, right? I thought so too as I slipped through the Denver airport only to get a text message about 15 minutes after I got into my rental car from a number I knew I did not program into my phone. The text simply read "Yeah that was my hand on your knee. Let's hang out while you are in town."

First of all, yeah I knew that. Secondly, next time I am sitting on my phone when I fall asleep on an airplane.

Mr. Truman Show

It was a sunny and really trafficky (I promise that is a word in LA) day in West Hollywood and I was getting hungry.  Although I only had an hour until a networking event I had to attend, I passed the only restaurant that I will eat at even when I am completely full - Real Food Daily.  It is vegan vegetarian and basically amazing.  I couldn't wait to take a bite into some hearty salisbury seitan... until Mr. Truman Show came and sat down at my table for 1.
"Can I sit here?  I don't have anyone to eat dinner with" a young man said as he sat down while I tried to say no while chewing a mouth full of vegetarian goodness.  "ummmm... sure, I guess." If I had known what was coming I would have booked it out of there STAT.  
Mr. Truman Show nervously looked around and said "you look like a nice girl.  I am glad to eat dinner with you and meet a nice girl.  Things haven't been so nice for me lately."  And then I go and open my big mouth to try and be the nurturing female that I am cursed to be at times.  "Well why is that sir?"  "Shhhhhh!!!"  he says while leaning closer to whisper over my food... "they are ALL around us!"  "Who is they?" I asked not believing that I was actually engaging in this conversation.  "The waiters, the people here eating - they are all part of the show..."  Then before I could get up and get out of this social nightmare he continued.  "You wouldn't believe the other day my parents told me they were in on it too.  Can you believe it?  I am 35 years old and this whole time I didn't know my parents were ACTORS!"
I mumbled something that was supposed to be sympathetic while motioning to the waitress to please bring me my check NOW so I could get the heck out of there.  When she came over to take my credit card he actually had the nerve to stop her and say "wait can you bring me some tofu strawberry cheesecake?  That stuff looks really good..."
I took back my credit card, threw her a $20 (I think my bill came to $12 but whatever) and yelled "nice to meet you" as I ran out the door, called my boyfriend half-hysterical and locked myself in the car as I drove out of crazy-ville.  
So now I am left thinking he either... (A) Just finished watching The Truman Show and was also missing a few brain cells (B) Was acting out on a crazy dare from friends in the restaurant (that should have been worth some big $$$) or (C) Thought that was a great pickup line?
True story - every bit...

Mr. Black and Mild on the Subway

Any of you who are familiar with New York subways and/or Red Eye flights will appreciate this one.

I had just gotten back to New York after a long 6-hour flight from Los Angeles and I was tired.  My neck pillow had a hole in it and the guy next to me on the plane said I couldn't sleep on his shoulder, so as a result I had not slept in over 24 hours. 

Naturally I got on the subway at the airport, used my bag as a pillow, fell asleep for almost an hour and totally missed my stop... only to be rudely awakened by a guy who kept tapping my head with his finger.

I wiped off the drool, slowly rubbed my bloodshot, mascara-residued eyes and looked up at this 20-something guy listening to an iPod and wearing a do-rag.  He pointed at something on my lap as the train was coming to a stop.  It was a Black N' Mild cigarette wrapper with something written on it.  Without saying anything he just watched as I looked and tried to decipher the scribbling.  It said - "Call Me - Jose - 212-???-????"

The funny part was that he thought the train doors were going to open so he could slip away without too much embarrassment from handing out his number to a strange girl on a subway who might as well have been homeless.  They didn't open though so we were stuck there for 2 minutes looking at each other in the most awkward way ever...

I guess I should try to sport the tired, bags under the eyes, sleep drool look more often....

Mr. I Know Kelly Ripa

This blog is turning into a dating blog AND a crazy old guy in a restaurant trying to pick you up blog.  This one HAD to go on here and is more recent than the rest - enjoy.

Imagine this - you sit at a table with a good friend and try to enjoy the sunset and a Diet Coke with lime.  All of a sudden a loud voice from behind you says "you need to marry my friend Rob - Rob, here is a pretty young lady - marry her."  If you can imagine this scenario we're in business.

I turned around to see a drunk, 60-year-old man with what I assumed was red wine spilled all over his pants.  He proceeded to ask me questions about my marital status, living situation and age.  Instead of ignoring him out of fear that he might be a mean drunk, I gave polite answers and prayed God would forgive me for lying about the fact that I lived half-way across the country and I had a big, protective boyfriend.  But that didn't seem to discourage him.

I tried to carry on my conversation with my friend over dinner but the man just couldn't stop trying to get my attention.  "I run Wall Street" he said... when that didn't work it was "P Diddy had a party a few months ago at my house in the Hamptons"... still no positive response and after saying "I'm a millionaire" he stood up, shook my hand and stumbled into the kitchen, followed by 3 hotel bodyguards who then tried to escort him off the premises.

He made threats to sue everyone at the Ritz and after a few minutes one of the bodyguards got impatient and grabbed his arm to take him away...

As he was being dragged through the room to the elevator all he could think of to yell to me as parting words was "Kelly Ripa wants to meet you tomorrow morning - I know her!"  He yelled that all the way to the elevators.

Dang it - I never gave him my number.  I guess I will never meet Kelly Ripa.

Mr. Hershey Kiss at the Provo Temple

OK this one might be a "you had to be there" dating story but it is good anyway.

While studying in the WILK one day for a Spanish mid-term, this guy came up to me with the "I just got home from my mission to Argentina so I can totally help you study" line.  Unfortunately I fell for it and we had a date the next night.  

After a dinner with little conversation and a lot of awkward moments I decided that it wasn't a match.  That was confirmed a thousand times over when he dropped me off and asked if he could give me a "lower back massage".  What is that anyway?  I didn't wait around to find out.

Two weeks later he showed up at my apartment and asked if we could be friends.  I said yes and he asked if I would go on a "friend" drive with him.  I said sure, because I needed a break from studying and we drove to the Provo temple.  It was snowing outside and he parked and asked if we could go on a walk.  I reluctantly said yes and we started shuffling on the ice on our way up and around the temple.  Maybe he planned it that way so we could link arms and keep each other stable on the "friend" walk.

When we were almost back to the car he stopped and turned me so that I was staring straight into his eyes.  Then he said as he slowly knelt to the ground and grabbed my hand, "I have been wanting to ask you this ever since I first laid eyes on you in the WILK."  Naturally I burst out into loud laughter trying to ease the awkwardness - but he wasn't laughing.  Then he pulled out a ring box which just made me mad.  I didn't want to open it but 5 minutes later he was still on one knee and I was cold.  So I opened it only to find a hersey kiss which I quickly ate because I was also hungry.

I looked at Mr. Hersey Kiss with this look that said "you are so weird", and he stood up, looked me in the eyes and said (word for word) "I gave you a hersey kiss, but I REALLY wanted to give you this kind of kiss..."  Before I could move an inch, he had put his hands in a grip lock around the back of my head and pulled me in for a big fat kiss.  

I wonder what he thought when I screamed right before he kissed me...