Mr. Greek Canadian and a Bag of Chips

So my friend Roselyn sent this to me and it is HILARIOUS! This one beats my stories hands down and by the way - it is not my story. But here it is with a summary of what really happened:



The story is this: a girl was out with friends having drinks on King St (in Toronto). This guy approaches her and won't leave her alone -saying how cute she is. She finally gives in and hands the guy her business card to get rid of him.
The attached is an MP3 file of not one, but TWO voicemails this guy left. This goes down in the history books - especially the second voice mail.
After hearing them you can clearly see why she didn't call him back - instead she called in to the Z103.5 morning show & had them play this on the air.

Mr. I Don't Bite High School All Star

Some of you are going to wonder why I didn't post this a long long time ago. This is such good stuff. Honestly, with the resurrection of this blog, a lot of these boy encounters that I had hidden somewhere in the corners of my mind have suddenly reappeared in all their glory. Enjoy.

One day I decided to plant myself at the Law Library to study for a midterm in Food, Science and Nutrition. That's where all the cute, single, college boys hang out that want to be lawyers right? I managed to meet the only guy in the place that didn't even go to BYU. I should have known when a head popped up waaaaay too close to mine and a guy asked for my name and number. Since I was kind of there to meet someone and not really study (come on guys, I was 20 years old!) I gave it to him.

He picked me up the next night and took me to Leatherby's Ice Cream parlor where he sat right next to me in the booth instead of across from me (I hate that) and told me story after story about girls who had proposed to him. When that didn't impress me he pulled out the big guns. "My roommates really want to meet you - let's go back to my place." I actually protested this time but he persisted and I ended up in his apartment which was, by the way, empty.

When I asked where his roommates that wanted to meet me so badly were he told me they would probably be home soon and said that he wanted to show me his new TV in his bedroom. So I did what any good Provo girl would do - I crossed the invisible bedroom line and stood in the doorway unwilling to go any further. He proceeded to dive onto his bed and when I wouldn't budge kept patting the spot next to him and saying "Don't Worry - I Won't Bite". I think that phrase should be erased out of the English vocabulary.

I insisted that I stay standing in the doorway and he said "Well it's up to you but you won't enjoy the video I am going to show you as much..." I wanted to run for the hills but I had no way home. He put in the VHS tape and started playing a video that just so happened to be a local news station story of him on his High School golf team winning an award 10 years earlier. Cool.

So I pretended to get reaaalllly tired and made him take me home. I guess that put him in a particularly playful and energetic mood because he kept trying to one-arm tickle me all the way to the car. I was so annoyed I kept moving from one side to the other to avoid his feeble attempt at flirting.

When he parked I started running to my door without waiting for him. He started shouting at me to wait but I kept going. I fumbled for my keys and he had almost caught up to me and was holding something. It was too late for me to find out what it was - I opened my front door to a room full of my 4 roommates and their boyfriends right as he held up his High School Letterman's jacket and said "Wait Erin - I want you to wear my jacket!"

I shut the door in his face.

Mr. Paul Wall JR

I am a pool shark. Really - just ask my friend Buck (that's his pool junkie name). He took me to play pool in West Jordan (sup) one Saturday night and we played from 10pm to 4:30am the next day. Hard core. So naturally something "How to Find Mr. Wrong" had to happen right? Right! So here it is...

After 5 rounds of pool (I was 2-3) these two couples walked in and got the table right next to me and Buck. I kept thinking the whole time - that guy totally looks like Paul Wall - I know who Paul Wall is from some late night rap documentary I accidently saw a few years ago and I also love grills. He was definitely a wannabe PW but he still had this uncanny resemblance.

So while trying to focus on our game we had to deal with PDA central right next to us. Then Buck went to the back to get a coke and all he*& broke loose. PW Wannabe broke away from his girlfriend and came over to ask me if a was a regular (do I really look like a pool hall regular? Help...). I said no and he said he just moved there and would really like to show me around. So I told him thanks but I was there with Buck while I nervously looked at his annoyed girlfriend.

I thought that was the end after Buck came back to the table to finish our round until PW Jr. and his girlfriend got packed up and ready to leave. He came over and slipped me a business card for some plumbing service on the front with his name scribbled on the back and his phone number. Right in front of my pool partner who he might as well thought was my boyfriend he put it in my hand, lingered waaaaaay too long and said "text me sometime".

I still have that card. Memories you know?

Mr. I Turn Into a Stunt Man When You Break Up With Me

I love 24 - I especially love it when Jack jumps out of moving vehicles. That is definitely my favorite signature move. I never expected to see it, however, in real life. I have since learned to always expect the unexpected.


We have all been there - at first the relationship is great and things look promising. Then after a few months you are thinking, "why am I spending all my time with this person when I don't feel anything?" But you drag your feet because you don't want to hurt them. Maybe if I had done it earlier he wouldn't have hurt himself in a 24-worthy stunt move.


After attending a bonfire with all our good friends, I drove my boyfriend home. While driving I had that urge - just do it. Just break up now and stop putting it off. I hesitated and then blurted it out - "I think you are a really great guy and I hope we can be friends but I just don't feel like this is right and I think we should stop seeing each other." All that in one quick breath. Then I tried to brace for the worst by looking away so I wouldn't see how much damage I had done. That didn't end up being a problem when all I heard was my car door open... I quickly looked over only to see my recent ex doing a body roll out of my moving vehicle! He didn't say anything - just jumped out of the car. I tried to convince him to get back in the car as he hobbled alongside the road to no avail.

Needless to say 24 has never been the same...

Mr. Yeah That Was My Hand On Your Knee

I know it's been awhile, but after meeting Mr. "Yeah That Was My Hand on Your Knee" I had to blog blog blog. So here's the jist:

I was flying from Orange County to Denver for business. I was REALLY tired. The kind of tired that you are when you literally fall asleep on anything because you can't help it. Even in the middle seat of a crowded airplane. That middle seat sounded SO good as I boarded the plane and prepared for airplane slumber. That is until I met my worst nightmare - Mr. "Yeah That Was My Hand on Your Knee".

I try to be nice to everyone I meet so I said hello to the guy in the window seat (jealous). He seemed about my age and was nice looking with the new Dan Brown novel on his lap. Then it got weird. He said hello back and when I was situated in my seat started telling me this story about how his brother was on the plane about 5 rows behind us and they were in a huge fight because they had just finished a family intervention with him. After they caught him high on drugs and hanging out with a prostitute in a Los Angeles Denny's they decided it was too much. Now he was dreading his exit in Denver because his brother told him they were going to fight. Not having a lot of experience in this area and no advice to give I started yawning - a sign that I really wanted to go to sleep. Which I did while he was still talking about drugs and prostitutes.

Next thing I know there was this heavy weight on my left knee. I peeked my eyes opened and the guy had his hand fully on my knee like we were an old, comfortable, "we travel all the time together" couple. I thought maybe he fell asleep and his hand accidently fell to my knee but that was wishful thinking. The dude was totally awake.

I awkwardly pretended I was starting to wake up and moved around like I didn't know where I was. Thankfully he moved his hand and we got off the plane.

Crisis averted, right? I thought so too as I slipped through the Denver airport only to get a text message about 15 minutes after I got into my rental car from a number I knew I did not program into my phone. The text simply read "Yeah that was my hand on your knee. Let's hang out while you are in town."

First of all, yeah I knew that. Secondly, next time I am sitting on my phone when I fall asleep on an airplane.

Mr. Truman Show

It was a sunny and really trafficky (I promise that is a word in LA) day in West Hollywood and I was getting hungry.  Although I only had an hour until a networking event I had to attend, I passed the only restaurant that I will eat at even when I am completely full - Real Food Daily.  It is vegan vegetarian and basically amazing.  I couldn't wait to take a bite into some hearty salisbury seitan... until Mr. Truman Show came and sat down at my table for 1.
"Can I sit here?  I don't have anyone to eat dinner with" a young man said as he sat down while I tried to say no while chewing a mouth full of vegetarian goodness.  "ummmm... sure, I guess." If I had known what was coming I would have booked it out of there STAT.  
Mr. Truman Show nervously looked around and said "you look like a nice girl.  I am glad to eat dinner with you and meet a nice girl.  Things haven't been so nice for me lately."  And then I go and open my big mouth to try and be the nurturing female that I am cursed to be at times.  "Well why is that sir?"  "Shhhhhh!!!"  he says while leaning closer to whisper over my food... "they are ALL around us!"  "Who is they?" I asked not believing that I was actually engaging in this conversation.  "The waiters, the people here eating - they are all part of the show..."  Then before I could get up and get out of this social nightmare he continued.  "You wouldn't believe the other day my parents told me they were in on it too.  Can you believe it?  I am 35 years old and this whole time I didn't know my parents were ACTORS!"
I mumbled something that was supposed to be sympathetic while motioning to the waitress to please bring me my check NOW so I could get the heck out of there.  When she came over to take my credit card he actually had the nerve to stop her and say "wait can you bring me some tofu strawberry cheesecake?  That stuff looks really good..."
I took back my credit card, threw her a $20 (I think my bill came to $12 but whatever) and yelled "nice to meet you" as I ran out the door, called my boyfriend half-hysterical and locked myself in the car as I drove out of crazy-ville.  
So now I am left thinking he either... (A) Just finished watching The Truman Show and was also missing a few brain cells (B) Was acting out on a crazy dare from friends in the restaurant (that should have been worth some big $$$) or (C) Thought that was a great pickup line?
True story - every bit...

Mr. Black and Mild on the Subway

Any of you who are familiar with New York subways and/or Red Eye flights will appreciate this one.

I had just gotten back to New York after a long 6-hour flight from Los Angeles and I was tired.  My neck pillow had a hole in it and the guy next to me on the plane said I couldn't sleep on his shoulder, so as a result I had not slept in over 24 hours. 

Naturally I got on the subway at the airport, used my bag as a pillow, fell asleep for almost an hour and totally missed my stop... only to be rudely awakened by a guy who kept tapping my head with his finger.

I wiped off the drool, slowly rubbed my bloodshot, mascara-residued eyes and looked up at this 20-something guy listening to an iPod and wearing a do-rag.  He pointed at something on my lap as the train was coming to a stop.  It was a Black N' Mild cigarette wrapper with something written on it.  Without saying anything he just watched as I looked and tried to decipher the scribbling.  It said - "Call Me - Jose - 212-???-????"

The funny part was that he thought the train doors were going to open so he could slip away without too much embarrassment from handing out his number to a strange girl on a subway who might as well have been homeless.  They didn't open though so we were stuck there for 2 minutes looking at each other in the most awkward way ever...

I guess I should try to sport the tired, bags under the eyes, sleep drool look more often....